preparedness......

One of the things I have found myself doing lately is reading everything I can get my hands on- pregnancy books, articles about labor & delivery, parenting.... you name it. Most of them I think are a crock of shit. By far the one I relate to best is this one:She is hysterical and I plan on getting your 2nd book - Naptime is the New Happy Hour.
This book is perfect for people like me - and by like me - I mean people who think that having your baby sleep anywhere near your bed - especially in it are just asking for someone to be suffocated to death and who eat lunch meat while pregnant. (and I didn't warm it up either. and it was good.) Here is a more detailed list of things I find strange and in no way anticipate my views changing on:

• needing to wear &/or hold baby at all times of the day*
• breastfeeding until they can ask you for your boob please
• the fact that it is NORMAL to go places w/o your newborn/teenager.....
• when baby has a bottle mommy gets a bottle....**
• Potty training is meant to start when the child can physically get him/herself to the toilet - not when I have to hold them up there. diapers are not the devil.
• they are children - not hearing impaired. a high pitched squeaky voice is probably not necessary. no coochie coochie coos in this house unless referring to the lady business.
  

I realize I am totally ignorant to many things (all things?) "mommy" related. but I am no idiot - I have common sense and I have certain views on things that you would probably have to offer me a million or more dollars to change. I do not feel that while you are still using months to state your child's age they in anyway can grasp the idea of corporal punishment - if you tell them NO in a firm voice & do time out that is enough - you don't need to smack your 9mo old on the hand for "pulling your hair" or drag your 18mo old away by the hair when he is "playing rough". Now I am not saying that I don't believe in spanking when necessary and the child is old enough - b/c i got my ass smacked more than few times! but there are times/places/instances when this is ok and when it is not. All parents have personal views on the topic - this is mine. I also think that extreme over stimulation by way of educational toys/outings etc can be done without until baby can keep their eyes open for longer than 1hr intervals***. I mean do you really think your 3mo old gives a hoot what restaurant they are sleeping at the table in? they get the same food no matter where they are at from their favorite waitress - you!!
while I say these things now - I am fully aware that once this kid pops out I may slightly alter my opinions on certain things. but mark my words - the day I refer to myself as "baby girl's mommy" in conversation you all have my permission to hang me from a flagpole by my thong [you know, "Salute your shorts" style] and taunt me with ridiculous over-schmoozing of your children, baby talk and videos of 12mo piano playing protege......

*I do plan on getting a sling, but purely for my convenience not that of my little girl
**and by bottle I mean beer/wine/tequila shot in case you were slow on the uptake there. and not EVERY single one - just as needed ;)
***i know i am going to do this - not for baby's sake, but I hear baby Einstein is a great ice breaker when mommy needs a shower