pressure

the weekend... should be fun and exciting and filled with things to do.

my weekend --- filled with 8hrs a day of studying - for the next 4 wknds in a row.

I know it's going to pay off in the end, honestly! But I am tired of this already. I haven't been able to do the laundry, clean the kitchen, do anything "real" b/c i am stuck with a book in front of me or at the computer answering question after question. It is hard for a lot of ppl to understand what and why I am doing - it's ok, I wouldn't really either if I wasn't the one doing it. But there is not taking a day off when the test I am taking in a few weeks pretty much has a huge determination in a) if my education will continue and b) how high the score is helps get me a better job in 2 yrs. And what is on this test - only everything anyone has said to me in the last 2 years of my life. Talk about pressure.....


Speaking of pressure.... I am feeling a lot of this today. In my 'uterine area' , I can't explain it any better than that. AF is still a no show (offically on CD 31 of 28) as of a little while ago. [i check frequently just to be sure] But - I got the one BFN and now suddenly I am scared to test again. I keep saying "maybe tomorrow". I know I am stressed about the whole test thing - but believe me when I say this - it is not the most stress I have ever been under and I have NEVER been more than 2d late. Honestly though, the thought that I could possibly, maybe be pregnant has only crossed my mine when the husband mentions it. I don't want to get excited... and be disappointed.... I just want to be excited for real. So --- we decided to give 'er one more day to show up, and then for real, I will try to find out for sure.

for now... it's back to the books

relief

.... just got my offical grade for the year - passed!!

I wasn't worried - but it's nice to see it in writing - makes it official, ya know?

now I all I need to do is pass this test in a month and I will be *this much* closer to this dream (reality?!) of mine..... [back to the studying]

it's my birthday and i'll show off if i want too

Ok so we are going back a little bit - but hey, it's my birthday!

Friday night I went out with 2 of my very best friends in the whole entire world (and goddaughter) to kick off Rockin' on the River. It was chilly, but fun. [they are letting me pick whatever pampered chef items I want for my birthday present! yay!]

Sunday we had the big party - and I got presents!

Me and my sister, the other birthday girl! We are twins, in case you haven't caught on to that tidbit by now :)

My sister is amazing and she got me a new grill! [our old one was capable to ignite itself and anyone who came near it]


husband and I enjoying the beautiful weather we had!

Remember what I was saying about water - my mom and [almost] step dad got me this water cooler. best.thing.ever!



and my inlaws got me this beautiful kitchen aide I have been lusting over for years! along with the pastamaker attachement.








How did I get so lucky? So I may have had to celebrate early, but it didn't make my birthday any less amazing! And I am still loving my camera to pieces - I got to use it a lot last night at mike's lacrosse game and I impressed the shit out of myself! (I will share when i can)



as for the other present i am waiting on.... AF isn't here yet, and you know I had to test this morning - BFN. I don't know what to think, but I will tell you what - I'm glad I had that beer ;)

2 for 1

b/c i feel like being a *superblogger* today, here i am again! and b/c i have gotten so many new faces {hiii! thanks for coming!} through NaComLeavMo, and to keep my mind off of the eversoclose end of this TWW*, here is a list....

"officially unofficial top 10 things i hate to love" **

• 10) the fact that i am an early riser. can not physically sleep in even on the weekends - but i do get a lot accomplished in a day.... [even if i may require a nap here and there]
• 9) studying. ok, so maybe it's a love:hate relationship - i hate doing it, but love when it pays off in the end. [like... hopefully big time on June 25th]
• 8) my love affair with water - i mean yes it's great to drink and keeps me hydrated - it also keeps me in the f'in bathroom 34543x a day!
• 7) ice cream. delish - but i think you see the downside here.
• 6) windy [but sunny] days. i love to take walks on these days, hate what happens to my hair.
• 5) organizing. everything. i can't stand clutter/mess/etc - i can not work if things are not in their right place. it can be a problem at times.
• 4) tanning/the sun - i can't help it people, i worship it. i know how bad it is for me - cross my heart i do, but still i bake....
• 3) my husbands affair with lacrosse - i love watching him coach, i actually even love going to the games and watching on tv - i just wish they were at different times, the weather was always warm and it didn't steal so much of his time.
• 2) certain tv shows [grey's, ER, project runway, top chef] that might, maybe, monoplize an entire evening if i don't get to watch b/c NO we don't have DVR.
• 1) SHOES!! one great satisfaction i have in life is buying them -- wearing them too. but, the bank account sometimes gets angry when i go shopping AND there's a shoe sale [but my closet sure loves it!]

soo tell me - what do you hate to love??

*close being tomorrow - i will update as appropriate

**stay tuned for my "offically unofficial things i love to hate" list....

teaser tuesday

so this weekend we celebrated my (and obviously therefore my sister's! birthday) I can not believe how generous every.single.person in my life was to me this year. But as a preview of my "official birthday post" that you will see tomorrow [this is a teaser afterall]

my wonderful, amazing husband bought me this. beautiful? i think so! i had a lot of fun with it this weekend at the party we had - yes i will be sharing some pictures of that soon.

amazing... *

*the camera, and the husband!

Snap out of it

i am officially annoyed at myself and my body at the end of this TWW.

i have been really good [by my own standards] at keeping my mind off of things, not focusing too much on the if's and just doing what i need to do everyday. but all of a sudden - like yesterday - i woke up thinking "should i have drank that beer last night?" (you know, for the 'baby's' sake) and since then - that is all i can think about no matter how hard i try not too.

I do not necessarily think i am pregnant, yes i feel like my uterus might be taking over my body with all of the cramping i have been feeling the past few days - but i did play with the WiiFit the other night! I also have had plenty of other nonspecific things going on that should mean absolutly nothing, but I think way too much about them. But - I do not want to take a test until I "need" too. Last month really put me in a funk after all those BFN's and I would rather not.

So, I just need to snap out of this mind set, enjoy the party I am throwing today, focus on studying starting tomorrow and if something wonderful happens on Wed.... well, then it will be the best birthday in the world. [and if it doesn't, it will still be a good day.]

unbirthday

for only another week it will be my unbirthday....

b/c in one week from today - i will be one more year older, wiser, all that jazz.

i usually am soo excited for my birthday - this year - not so much. could it be b/c i have to spend it, and all the days surrounding it knee-deep in books? maybe.probably.

but be proud all of you gift snoopers - b/c husband's birthday gift to me has been in our living room since yesterday and i haven't looked at it yet! (what do you think he got me?!!)

i will give a full update after my birthday - of course!

tuesday teaser

i am pretty excited to tell you something today.

my mom - who is the best mom in the whole wide world - did something so amazing Sunday!

She GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE!!!

I am so proud of her it's ridiculous. I mean, she watched her two oldest daughter's start college and decided she wanted to as well - while working full time of course - and doing her motherly duties - and see that yellow thing, she is smart too! [clearly where i get my brains from!?] Needless to say, I am just so excited that she did something for herself! How excited am I you ask? So excited that I am throwing her a big party next weekend! If you are "in the know" you should make yourself available - she would love to see you.

So, clearly I love my mom to death. and I can only hope that one day - my kids love me in the same way and see me in the same light that I see her.

1 down, 1 left

tests that is.

until the end of my 2nd year of medical school. i have been waiting to say that for 2 years.

today's test was pretty easy, or i just knew what i was talking about! now i need to study for the CBSE exam that is friday [or the baby boards as i like to call it] but i am taking today off... ok not really but kind of. i am exhausted, my house is a freaking mess, and there are a lot of things that i need to get done!

------------------------------

in other news --- i need to say congrats to my cousins in FL, they announced that they are expecting their 2nd child, 11 years after their first! I was the flowergirl in their wedding 20yrs ago, how crazy and exciting for them.*

in our own TTC news --- we are TWW'ing it out right now. and really, it's not a big deal. if there are any of those fabled 'early pregnancy sx's'** this cycle - i am too busy/focused on other things/exhausted to even pick up on them. the husband seems to be more interested in it this time than me, maybe b/c i was "so sure" last cycle and subsequently "so disappointed" that i really don't want to get too wrapped up in all the signs/sx's/testing again - only for a let down. and again - the being insanely busy/preoccupied thing again - that is helping me along!

and a happy birthday is in order for Kim today - hope you have a fun vacation!

*i was thinking how cool (though probably unlikely on this end) it would be if we had children around the same time! oh, and i found out another aquaintance is also expecting... go fig.

**i really think these are all a myth made up by HPT manufactures..... think about it.

God willing

Today is the 3rd Saturday in May - who cares right? probably no one - unless you are in the NEOUCOM class of 2008, then you would care, because in a few hours you will be walking across the stage and you will officially be ____ M.D.! [insert expletive here!!]

Why do i care? because I am in the NEOUCOM class of 2010 - so God willing in 2 years, on the 3rd Saturday in may, I too will be walking across that same stage and they will say my name with an M.D. after it - finally - after the hardest 5 years of my life. Only to be followed by the next 6 hardest years....

And that scares the crap out of me, not in a bad way, in a ohmygodintwoyearsiamofficiallyresponsibleforlife kind of way. I know I can do it, I will be sort of doing it, learning to anyhow, in a few short months (again God willing) when/if I pass my boards. Yesterday was my last 'official' day of class learning for the rest of my life - no more lectures for me - now, it's just me - the books - and my brain.

It looks I am half way to that 3rd Saturday in May....

afeared

i got a migraine last night.

what happens to me when i have a migraine: normal...normal...normal...BAM migraine (plz refrain from any lights, making any noise, anything that smells at all and walking around me b/c the vibration from your feet goes right to my right eye where the pain is boaring through my head) and i am out for the count until the next day, probably nausea/vomiting and just generally miserable - sleeping until morning.

normal for me really, about Qmonth even with my medicine - what is there to be scared of?

getting one while studying for boards when i only have 29d to cram 2yrs worth of material into my little brain. SHIT.

-------------------
as far as the babymaking goes - um i don't know?!! according to the calendar i should have O yesterday. the OPK was negative from mon-wed. today, i am having Lsided [what i think are] O cramping/pains. i think we are covered for the month as far as BDing goes (minus last night) but you can never be too sure right?!!

teaser tuesday

so i decided to try something new to entertain myself [and hopefully you] in my constant state of studying the next 4/5 weeks & b/c i predict my blogging will be less... so to break up the monotony while i am in my selfproclaimedhell and to show you a few of my favorite things i thought i would give this a shot?!!*
on with the show.....

this cute little guy is Doc, our chinchilla (chin-chill-aaa). we have had him for a little over a year now. he loves bananas, timothy hay, empty toilet paper tubes, dust baths and long runs in his wheel.
for the record, Doc is not a rabbit, or a rat, or a gerbil or any other rodent - he is very soft, likes to nibble but doesn't bite, and hops.

---------
in other news - should O today or tomorrow according to the calendar, we'll see what the OPK's say. I think the B6 is doing something for me, that's good at least!

in other, other news - i think if i pile up one more thing on my heaping high pile of things that need to get done, they, and by default me, are all going to come toppling down.

*if you think it's ridiculous/wierd/themostawesomeideaEVER etc don't hold back!

growing years

it's fffffriday folks. i don't know about you but it's been kind of a long week for me - but i am pretty sure every week from now until mmmm the end of june is going to painfully long and endless.

i promise to try and keep my whining about studying/having no life/missing the beginning of summer to a minimum since [if all goes well] it "will all be worth it" as i keep hearing like a broken freaking record. but - it hasn't started yet - 15 days and counting......

-------------------

in other news -- someone i know has a bday tomorrow... someone who looks just like me (but isn't my twin....) who could it be????

oh look - it's her:

my not-so-little sister is 17 tomorrow!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRISSY!

I LOVE YOU!!!

What else is this weekend.... something..... something.....

Oh yes! Mother's Day! I had hoped to be celebrating this day along with my mama this year - but you know, it's ok.

I will celebrate her b/c i love her the most - no other mom could better! or more caring/understanding/generous - she is just the best friend/mom/person ever.

more news on my mom in a few weeks... can't wait to share that with everyone!!!

LOVE YOU MOM!!!!!

I also love my MIL - she is a great person too.

beauTy in the breakdown

so i was referred to this article [well post really] earlier today. it stemed from an incident where a dog bit or snapped at a kid who had a cheeto. the reader's digest version if you are too lazy to click on the link - someone is defending their position on why being a pet "mom" is equiv. to being a people mom and somehow adoption is thrown in there along with mumblings of overpopulation, pet abandoning and my personal kicker: choosing to have biological children is not adding to the benefit of mankind.

ya.. um. WOW!

the subsequent replies to the much longer original post were just as "wow" and i really could not read but like 10 of the 23040972 without getting all bent out of shape. then i realized WAIT! this person wants this reaction - clearly. also, i don't know the original situation nor did i take the time to look for it - so i am not judging anyone for their opinions at all, if we all didn't have our own this place we live would be pretty boar-ing.

in my personal, humble opinion on the bottom line - every.single.person is a benefit to mankind - despite their flaws, no matter how fatal they may be. we learn from each others mistakes and tragedy, we benefit from each others triumphs and genius. there is perfection in everyone somewhere - you just need to be looking from a different angle at times.

----------------------------------------------

on the biological children end of my life -- i decided to start taking B6 after much thought on the subject. I am not big on the vitamins/herbicutical part of medicine but B6 is mild so why not. it goes with my flinestones! (ya seriously.) that is all to report on that front!

Manic Monday

there are a number of things i feel like i need to get off my chest today - few of them related.

exhibit a) friends, big mouths and hurt feelings
i have been trying to be ok with something for awhile now, everytime it comes up i really just don't say much or use a casual expression about the situation. but in reality - my feelings are hurt - more than i expected or want to admit to i guess. if you don't want a person who has been your [best] friend since you were 5 to be in your wedding, that is ok - but a little statement along the lines of "we are keeping it to a small bridal party", "just family" anything along those lines would be ok (even if it's a lie).... make me feel better... It's not the 'being in the wedding' that I am disappointed about - of course I want to be there for her (i did throw them an engagement dinner just because i love them) through this time in her life, it's the outright ignoring the fact that hurts my feelings i think. So i won't open my big mouth (verbally) about it - but I will tell you - internet - about it.

exhibit b) baby strollers, maternity clothes and feelings
something a little happier - at the mall yesterday mike said the cutest thing to me. We were walking around and saw the display @ motherhood maternity - mike said that i would look cute in one of their shirts if/when I get 'my' baby bump. it was just nice to hear from him, since he always says that he doesn't know what he will think of me whenever i get pregnant! He also said he is noticing all the strollers out in public these days - and can't wait to push one around. awww... some day!!! (now calm down uterus and we can do some work together...) We also talked about how much we laugh - and how great that is!

exhibit c) mom talk
as in a talk with my mom.... it was a good one. we finally are on the same page. I understand where she is coming from and she understands where I am coming from. She doesn't want me to leave my (future) babies at a babysitter/daycare because she hated having to do it - me either but that will be my life, i know this, it's my reality. I am ready when it happens but enjoying every day with my husband.

exhibit d) same friend, more hurt feelings
she is graduating - very proud of her (it's a great thing to get your degree!) it's also her bday in a few weeks. so i got her a gc to her fave resteraunt to take on vaca with her - its from me and my sister. had sister give it to her yesterday so she would have it in time (and heard horror story of mailing gc!) no thank you's. but you are welcome anyway. i don't do things b/c i feel obligated - i do things b/c i want to, b/c i like to - and b/c everyone deserves to be remembered on special occasions, by their friends. the appropriate response when someone hands you a card is not "what is this for?" it is, "thank you for remembering". i'm sorry we don't talk much anymore - busy life - but i still have a good memory, still care etc.

spring showers bring may flowers

since its raining and the old man is snoring i thought i would share.
[playing with the macro on my camera the other day]






















i don't have much else to say today - but enjoy the weekend guys!