to test or not to test....

so, as it stands right now - tomorrow I will be 7dpo, i don't "feel" pregnant, what is that supposed to "feel" like anyway?!! honestly, i am intelligent but damnit i can't figure this one out!

i know there are 'signs & symptoms' that you can read about but really i think that the more i read about these kinds of things the more i can make them up! (the whole psycosomatic thing).

& Really - I am scared of the HPT!! I don't even want to look at them... I just assume they will be negative, no matter what! I don't know if it's b/c I am friend's with so many people who have had problems with infertitlity or if i am just scared. The past two months i have just waited for AF to come and that was that.... never peed on a stick yet.

This month I want to know sooner...

or do I??

The soonest I would test would be next wed or thursday, prob. thursday b/c that is closer to friday which is when AF is due.* (and i am less busy on thusday)

we'll see what i decide -- i have a test the next day, i don't want to be unfocused either by excitment or dissappointment....

this babymaking buisness is more challenging than i imagined!




*no need to see a negative sooner than necessary right?

He is ready!

I just have to make this a seperate post - the husband is so incredibly ready for this baby [that doesn't exist yet] that it almost scares me. The past few times we have "BDed" as they say - he has said "I think that's the one, it had to have worked that time!"
it's cute! I am amazed at how much he wants this - I realize it more and more everytime it comes up in conversation.
I feel blessed that he wants to be a father. I am always scared if I am ready to be a mother - I have no doubts that I can do it, I just wonder if I am ready.....

We have been trying for 2 months, I hope that it works this time, but if it doesn't, that is ok. I think we are officially in the "2ww" after today - so we'll see what happens!!

no turning back

today has been a better day.... thank goodness! i decided to take today off from school, i just needed to stay home & study ( ok, so i just really started studying about 2 hours ago, it's not my fault the lecture video's weren't up until 1:30!)

no idea why i have been so mentally out-of-it these past few days. i know a lot has been going on, and with the idea of babymaking - that adds to things i guess, even though this month i haven't thought much about it.

last night i officially scheduled my test date for the boards... scary! it's like the 'no turning back now' feeling - or the 'you better start working your ass off' to get there feeling, i can't figure out which one. Like i said yesterday, i did ok on my test (my cum. score is holding - needs to be a little bit higher to make me feel better about passing the year) i feel like i am learning, good sign. But on June 25th i need to know it ALL! EEK!!!!!

trying not to freak on that now, just focusing on each test as they come and in may we will focus on that test.....

the test

so, the scores are in - i finished it! :)

i got the same score as last time - ok by me!

now onto GI and hopefully that one will go up - that would be excellent and take the edge off....

tense

another test done.... hasn't been determined yet if i finished it or it finished me, but either way, it's done.



besides that - things in the dixon house have been quite the opposite of exciting this week. it started off good, going to see wicked last weekend and all :

it was a GREAT show and we had fun. then i started our taxes - thereinlies the trouble. realizing that my loving husband made as much money as i did last year, and i only worked for 7 months, part-time. can we say SCARY? or should we say poor house? i don't know.... it gets me all emotional and freaked out.

yes he has 3 jobs

yes he works hard when he goes to those jobs

yes he does get paid under the table sometimes, so probably we made more than that but STILL!

but NO really, we do NOT have money!

yes we can pay our rent, bills, car payment etc.... with my student loans mostly - i don't so much like this idea. I do realize that husband does not either, he just doesn't not like it as much as me. or something like that. So i think to myself, we qualify for govt assistance in the food dept - bring it up to husband - husband freaks out - not speaking to me fo roughly 2 days. Well, i think the solution to this problem really lends itself unspoken........

i love him, he does all the things around the house that i don't have time to do (thank goodness!) - but sometimes i wonder if i would like it more if he just worked more at a "real" job (v. his 3 other jobs - or maybe just 1 "real" job and he can keep the side jobs, they are good extra money - we need it at the moment) and covered our expenses w/o me having to worry.... yes in fact i know i would like that better. [so does he....]

lets hope things get resolved sooner than later (probably after lax season) but if they don't i am scared for future babies b/c hubband wants a house - our pittance can't afford a house..... hrmph

future bridezilla?

Friday, after I realized I wasn't pregnant and had a little pitty party for myself when I got home (Mike was sad too) I got a phone call from my best friend since the age of 5 -----

She got engaged!

I was shocked as hell - I am glad she couldn't see my face! It was a smile/surprised face! I am happy for them, but man was I surprised!! I know they have been living together for a little while and she had been talking about it (but who doesn't?!!) but... bam! She started off by saying she didn't want to think about weddings etc until she graduates in the spring (false statement on her part, she is not that kind of a person, i knew she would throw herself into wedding planning instantly... )

She called me today and told me that she already was starting to look at reception halls! (told ya!) but for about a year from now... to each his own, things will work the way they will work! I for one, am an expert wedding planner, and had to dispell some myths she has already come up with just by browsing the internet. (if i do say so myself, our wedding was perfect! i am still getting compliments on it, we were also engaged for 3 years and i am incredibly meticulous... you figure it out!) so here's to her proving us all wrong and not becoming a future bridezilla - and if you ever read this blog - i hope you laugh, because you know i am right and i love you!

I am doing my part by throwing them an engagement dinner in a few weeks (i love planning things and it will be a nice way to celebrate) she liked that idea..... it should be fun.

anyway... my poor sister on the otherhand - not a happy camper. has been dating her boyfriend for 3years now and still no ring on her pretty little finger. she'll get one soon, it'll be pretty, and then i will have to go to a wedding in west virginia... yay. ;)

i know you are dying to see my self proclaimed incedible wedding - so here ya go:
http://www.nobleimages.us/mikeandrea

maybe next month

officially not our month to have a baby.

it's ok - i mean, it's not like i have a choice or anything. i haven't told mike yet, he was sleeping when i left this morning. i sort of thought that with how i was feeling this week it could have been what was going on - but almost in the back of my head, i knew that wasn't it. it was only our first month trying so it's not all that bad really, can't get discouraged.

the only really kind of selfish thing, is that we don't want a christmas baby - so we will probably try this month again, but then not again for a few months until we won't deliver in dec/jan if we would get pregnant. i know it's wierd, and selfish, but it's maybe we will change our minds too. that is what we were thinking last month.

on a happy note - a friend found out that she is pregnant after their first round of IVF which is awesome news!! i am very excited for them :)

we'll just keep trying ;)

give me a break

nauseas.
fatigue.
emotional instability.

ya that is me in a nutshell over the past few days - what does it mean? someone asked me if i was pregnant today. i have wondered that myself, but i am too big of a chicken to take a HPT so we will just have to wait and see if 'aunt flo' arrives friday or not. if not, then maybe i'll take a test. i think about it - more at times than others - but i'll be ok either way.

one thing that is kind of strange though, is the fact that i am back to not being able to concentrate. why?????
i am not doing good enough for that - not at all. but yet i study, study, study and feel like it was nearly all for nothing (i at least retain some things!) test in a week, that is not a good place to be - i think this test is going to be tricky too.
i know i am smart, i just don't know why i am not focusing, maybe it is the nausea - it is distracting afterall.

"Do you have any kids?"

This is a question that I have been asked at least once a week for about a month now, I am not sure why the sudden increase in need of the general public to know this information about me, but it's ok. I always just smile and say "No, not yet."

Now, especially because we are sort of trying, this question brings about some different emotion in me, and more so a number of different thoughts. As I was running today I thought of a few things:

Selfish reasons to NOT have a baby yet:

1. we can do what we want, when we want
2. I can finish my schooling/start training without considering how it effects a little person
3. we don't have to worry as much about how we spend our money
4. we can go on big, fancy vacations (ie europe when i graduate and mexico or the like this summer)
5. who needs a house? our townhouse (read: tiny rent payment/utilities) work just fine for the 2 of us
6. moving out of state for residency will be so much easier if it's just the 2 of us
7. i really want to move out of state.....
8. i love it being just the two of us - LOVE it!
9. we can have sex, walk around naked, do crazy things whenever we want to!
10. the only schedules that matter are mine and mike's (and quite frankly, that is hectic most of the time)
11. really, we don't have a ton of $$, we have enough for 2 us for sure but we like to buy big things (computers, cameras... shoes.. you get the picture)
12. my attention gets drawn away from studying sometimes easier than i would like just by my husband, how easy would i be destracted by a baby when i needed to concentrate?

Selfish reasons to start trying to have a baby NOW v. later:

1. we have a lot of love to share.....
2. i am good at time management, the baby will not be ignored and neither will my school work when necessary
3. we can share our bundle of joy with our families (who is very close by) while we are here
4. we are young, we want more than 1 child (think 4...) and want to continue to be young when they are all born to share our experiences with all of them
5. our lives are going well, a baby would fit well into our lifestyle (with a few modifications, but who doesn't need to make those?)
6. infertility is a real possibility, if we encounter these problems we will have time to establish a 'game plan' in the coming years
7. maybe, if we have a baby, i won't want to move out of state (or maybe not....)
8. we feel ready emotionally, have begun to prepare financially (as best we can), and well physically..... ;)
9. we have had a lot of practice with our goddaughter - my maternal instincts kick into full gear whenever she is >100ft from me! (ok i know that is a bad reason, but still!)
10. we have 2 bedrooms, we wouldn't necessarily have to buy a new house or anything, we would all fit nicely right here
11. there is so much we want to share with a child, we say it all the time.
12. we really really want a family......

unhappy friends

Earlier this week I was contacted by someone that i used to be really good friends with, on Myspace, of all places. I thought it was kind of odd, but I was ok with it. So in the course of the week we had an interesting conversation about how/why we are not friends anymore - because she doesn't like that I married mike after something that happened b/w the two of us - ok, everyone is entitled their opinions, and that ultimatly ended our friendship. But why would you want contact me after a year?

I don't have anything to say to her, she hurt my feelings and disrespected our friendship in a number of ways. But back to the current situation - she ended up posting a blog talking about things that happened b/w mike and i that were told to her in confidence when we were friends, things that, regardless if we are friends or not, shouldn't be shared with others. I was incredibly offended and mad! Honestly, I couldn't believe a person would so something like that - and didn't understand it. I kindly, as kindly as i could at least, asked her to think about what she had said how it affected me even though we are not friends - it's still uncalled for. I got a very rude, nasty response back. I am over it.

she doesn't get it, she is stuck. stuck in her world of how things used to be - how people used to be, while the rest of us have grown up (she referenced and hurt other people in this blog as well, not just me, but we all used to be good friends, and thankfully we all stood up for one another) Mike and I have dealt with our situation, climbed that mountain and really came out on top of a situation that was not good, it put both of us in bad places, and we had to come together at our own time on different terms - and that we did. that is something personal, and meaningful to us that we did and perserviered over together, although it would have been nice had it not had to happen, we wouldn't be who we are today - one of those 'makes you grow stronger' kind of deals.

as for this friend, she married very young, had children very young, and abandoned her friends - she lost that connection and seems unhappy. Unhappiness is not something i wish upon anyone but she is bringing it upon herself, she has delved up all of this unnecessary drama and things that myself or the other girls involved want no part of, and for that, are not taking part of! We all moved on, grew up, our lives are all wonderful (not to say this person's is not, it just seems strained from the sounds of things and her need for attention) and we made them that way through hard work!

it is hard to deal with someone talking unkindly to you and about people you care(d) about and knowing that if you respond it will not do any good - that is this situation. so i will not respond to her, i will just hope for her sake that she finds what she is looking for, an answer somewhere for whatever the question is.

Me on the other hand - I am one satisfied customer on the life front! I thought talking to her might be positive, but oh well. I am strong, together with Mike I am stronger. I feel like everyday i am one step closer to where i need to be.